Being Single, Sexual, and a Cancer Survivor

(Editor"s note: This is another in a special series of reports on sexuality, intimacy and cancer.)

By Richard A. Zmuda, cancerpage.com

(August 15, 2000) - While cancer can be an overwhelming experience for anyone, it can be especially difficult for a single adult. Family and friends will certainly be supportive, but it often can’t compare to the strength derived from a close personal relationship with a spouse or partner.

Physical and emotional changes brought on by the disease and its treatment can result in doubts about self-image, and these can be magnified with the natural uncertainty of a new relationship. If infertility has resulted, a whole new set of emotional and personal issues can arise as the relationship deepens.

Yet all of these obstacles can be overcome—with patience, understanding, and simply meeting the right person.

Appearances

Some of the side effects of cancer treatment are readily visible: loss of hair from chemotherapy; physical changes in appearance; or discoloration of skin due to radiation. Because these can make you look different, they can be an initial deterrent to a new relationship.

And when cancer is involved, unfounded fears can further complicate the dating process. Questions such as, “Is cancer contagious?” can seem silly to the survivor, but may be real concerns for those not familiar with the disease. And in the back of a potential partner’s mind may linger, “Will you be alive in a few years?” People with cancer today are living longer and healthier, but that may not be understood by the new person in your life.

And then there are some side effects from cancer that can’t initially be seen: the loss of a breast or sexual organ; the need for an ostomy bag to remove body waste; the inability to achieve an erection; or even infertility.

In such cases, a whole new set of “timing” issues can arise. When do you tell your new partner about these changes—or even the fact that you had cancer? You can put it off for a period of time, but for how long?

While there are no simple answers to these questions, once a relationship starts to become serious a partner will have to be told. If it waits until the moment of sexual intimacy, it can be disastrous. Yet if it is communicated too soon, it could scare away someone who has become close. Only you will know when it would be best to confide.

Self-Image

For a man, fears about self-image and performance can sometimes lead to erection problems. Men who have lost their testicles may feel like “less of a man.” Or if they are on hormone therapy, they may worry about becoming feminine in looks or personality.

A woman’s self-image can be greatly affected by the loss of a breast, with worries of how a partner will react when the relationship becomes intimate. Genital changes, vaginal dryness or tightness may also impact feelings of sexuality.

Your own acceptance of the physical and emotional changes that have taken place is probably the most important step you can take toward beginning a new social and sexual life. If you can’t accept your own situation, it will be impossible for a new partner to do so.

Communication is the Key

There is no single “right” way to communicate to a new partner how cancer has affected your sexuality. Your sexual desires, needs and abilities will change during the course of treatment and recovery, and some aspects of your sexuality may have been permanently altered as a result of the disease.

A new couple will need to talk openly and honestly with each other. If talking about sex is difficult, you may want to speak to a counselor who can help you to broach sensitive sexual issues.

One Step at a Time

Part of the recovery process for a single cancer survivor will be forging new social—and eventually sexual—relationships. The following suggestions may help:

 ·        Take the time to understand what has happened to you and how it has affected your sexuality. Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions—no matter how sensitive—of your doctor or healthcare professional.

·        Regardless of the kind of cancer treatment you may have had, you will almost always be able to enjoy intimacy and to feel pleasure (often orgasm) from touching. Most men who cannot have erections or produce semen can still have the feeling of orgasm with the right kind of touching. Most women who have had vaginal surgery can still reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation.

·        Keep an open mind about ways to feel sexual pleasure. And be patient. Look at it as an opportunity to learn new ways to stimulate—and be stimulated.

·        Be open. Be honest. Communicate. People are often much more understanding than we give them credit for.

There will always be a risk of rejection, just as in any relationship between two individuals. But if a new relationship is strong enough to overcome such a difficult emotional hurdle as cancer, think how strong it will be when faced with so many of the other life challenges that lie ahead. A few initial rejections may be a small price to pay for the perfect life partner.

SOURCES:

• The National Cancer Institute
• The American Cancer Society