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My husband's cancer is killing me!

For two years now, my husband has been fighting lung cancer. He was not suppose to live 3 months and it has been two years as I write this. His prognosis has always been terminal so I have expected every month(24) to have my world come crashing down around me. He has had three series of radiation. Twice to the chest and once to the brain. The cancer always comes back and he now has it in his brain and chest again. We have also had two series of chemo''s. He has coped far better than I. My husband was an athlete and very strong physically and mentally. He is a surgeon by profession. The pain of watching him loose weight and his ability to work and enjoy the simple things in life has been horrific. My physical health has been greatly affected from all the stress. I have never taken sleeping pills or anti depressants. I now take sleeping pills and I also have extreme muscle pain. I believe I have experienced physical pain because my heart is breaking. I have been to the E.R. three times in 2 years for heart pain. I am only 48 and I have never been in an emergency room for myself. I have literally felt like I was dying with him. The depression and sorrow is so profound,I have felt that my only option is to go with him. I know this is not the answer but it is how I feel. We have had a love story and he is my best friend. My point in writing this is to tell all the spouses who are facing losing their mates that they are not alone in their feelings. The caregivers are overlooked because its the patient who has been diagnosed. The fact is that you too feel like cancer is killing you. Its threatening everything you have known and counted on in your life. As bad as things are right now, I am trying my best to keep my husband living. And I mean living in the moment. Our 20th wedding anniversary is on the fifth and we are going to celebrate! It will be our last but the beauty is we made it to see it and enjoy it. All you caregivers, reach out. Get help. Find the few who see what this is doing to you and let them assist you in whatever way they can. If you get some tlc then you will be a better caregiver. Dont be a martyr and dont expect to be perfect. This is the most difficult part of being a caregiver. All eyes are on you and how well you seem to be meeting the needs of your loved one. Dont get caught up in that trap. Ask other family members to pitch in. It is imperative you take care of yourself!




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